Musicking: "Occupy Until I Come" - Lexi
She was the first one to want to know the real me instead of the me that she heard about from others, the me she saw on my profile, the me that she saw on TV, the me that she saw walking the halls or the me she saw at concerts or other appearances. She was the first one to take me seriously, to understand my sarcasm wasn't a defense mechanism, and to know that when I said something I really meant it. She was the first one to really get inside my head and understand why I did or said the things I did.
She was the one that made sure that I looked appropriate for interviews or for concerts and appearances. She was the one that kept my weight right and made sure I cared about myself and my appearance. She was the one that made sure that education was my top priority, and that I stayed on top of my studies. She was the one that braided my hair, cut my fingernails and toenails, trimmed my sideburns and goatee, and ironed my clothes for the week (after she picked them out).
She was the first one that didn't decide my future for me, made sure I had a hand in those decisions. She was the one to support even my dumbest ideas and thoughts, even if they didn't agree with hers. She was the first woman that ACTUALLY didn't WANT to argue and get the upper hand in a disagreement. She was the first one to match my wit and sarcasm.
She was the first woman that didn't go all out to make me PROVE that I actually liked women. She was the first one to really burn into my mind that it didn't matter what people thought, it only mattered what I did. She was the main one in my corner. She was the one that I could actually see myself in my corner.
She was the one that my mother actually LIKED.
She was the one that I wanted to be with for the rest of my natural life.
But:
She wasn't perfect.
She was the first one to betray my trust. She was the first one to cast my name into the bottomless pit of rage and vindictiveness. She was the first one to want to seek revenge for a missed phone call or a missed text message. She was the one that stayed outside my house to make sure I didn't bring another female home.
She was the first one to break my emotional and mental defenses. She was the main catalyst for my weight fluctuations. She was the one to call some of my ideas and thoughts "stupid" and "moronic". She was the first woman to make me not really trust women (or anyone close to me for that matter). She was the first one to make me feel like I could never be worth anything.
She was the first woman to find whatever "dirt" she thought she had on me and try to use it against me. She was the first one to call anyone in my phone and tell them all about some lie she made up. She was the first one to actually attempt to be abusive. She was the first one to check up on me to see if I was where I said I was or doing what I said I was doing.
She was the one that became the hypocrite. She was the one that believed her friends before she believed me. She was the one that sullied my name to the best of her ability. She was the one that tried to turn my TRUE friends against me. She was the one that tried to turn my TRUE family against me.
But:
She was the first one I forgave. Not forgot, but forgave.
And then she was the first one that missed the water when the well ran completely dry.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I took the ring off my fourth finger, left hand, and placed it inside the box. I grabbed a couple more pieces of jewelry and placed it around the ring. I looked at the pictures that told of happier times and places seen and heard and put them in the box as well. I closed the box, taped it, and set it on the dresser to be taken to the post office first thing in the morning. The phone rang, and I answered it.
"Hey my son," my mother chimed. "What are you doing?"
"Nothing," I said. "Packed up some things, prepared to finally start this new chapter in my life."
"Oh Lord," my mother said and sighed. "Look at my son, trying to get all deep. Are you okay? You know you can always fly home and stay here if you want."
I smiled and chuckled a bit. "Nah, that's okay. I'm pretty sure I can handle this."
She gave me one of those snide mmmmhmmms and then chuckled herself. "Are you in for the night?"
"Yes," I told her as I stood up and headed towards the stack of DVDs. "I think I'll just watch some TV and then doze off for the night."
I reached for "Clueless" and took it out of the stack. A picture fell on the floor at my feet, and, instinctively, I picked it up. I looked at it and was immediately taken back to a place that I didn't want to go. I whispered to my mother that I'd call her back, much to her chagrin. I took the picture and sat on the bed and stared at it, not really or fully believing what I saw in it.
There I was, Kool-Aid smile intact, sitting next to her. In the front of us were twin boys that bore a striking resemblance to me with the same Kool-Aid grins on their faces. In her hands was a baby boy that had my nose and my eyebrows and my light eyes. I stared at the picture trying to remember how much time it was taken before the one night that shattered my entire life. My vision became blurry and the colors all melded together, so I blinked and let the floodgates rise and fall.
She was the one that broke my heart. Twice. In one night.
And my life as I knew it has never been the same again.
In one fell swoop, she took my kids, my ring, and my fiance all away from me. I had never in my life before felt like everything I had achieved, every goal attained, every prayer and wish answered was a lie. All lies. I never felt so lifeless and empty as the day the doctor confirmed what she told me. I never felt so betrayed, so hurt, so empty, so lifeless, so dead inside.
But:
She was the one I forgave. Never forgot, never will forget...but forgave.
"You think you know, but you have NO idea..."
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
My So-Called Life...
I told myself that I was going to write more, but for some reason I cannot find the knack for it. I don't know why; there are so many things that if I had the thought to write them down (random melodies, song lyrics, things to do, etc.) I'd probably be a lot more organized. I'll get it together sooner or later.
Being unemployed now (wow...reading that bothered me a little, but I won't edit it out of my writings) frees up a lot of time to...do nothing. LOL. Most of the time and most of the day, I sit around in tank top and draws doing nothing. Listening to music, watching DVR programming, short trips to Popeye's and random places notwithstanding, what is there to do? No job to wake up for, occasional meetings at the school, choir rehearsal...and then what?
It's funny...being unemployed has shown me the true nature of a LOT of people. When people THINK you don't have any money, they're less prone to invite you out to eat, less prone to invite you on random road trips, less prone to invite you to parties and what not. I still get invited to the occasional social events that I really don't want to attend to begin with, but sometimes, it's best to show your face so people don't worry about you and shower you with feigned pity. LOL. I support my friends and their events still with no concerns about my bills, because they are clearly paid for. That said, I know I have to be more financially responsible now that I don't have an extra income to fall back on. My bills are paid, food is stocked in the fridge, all that jazz...but no more Ferragamo boots or things like that. I might even have to eat at...dare I say it...Applebee's...nah, NOT happening anytime soon. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Sitting here listening to music with the TV off is making me be a little more real and honest than I usually would be, but I don't mind. More often than not I volunteer information in my quest to be transparent as often as possible, and that WILL continue, believe that. That said, here goes...
It's a little awkward waking up with nothing to do. I had fallen in the routine of waking up and begrudgingly dragging myself to work that I miss it. Granted, I DO NOT miss some of the people at The Bullseye, but there are some people that I do miss, even though I could just go up there anytime I'd like. The difference is, the time period. There was a lot of fun that I had at work and I'd wake up excited to work with CERTAIN people. I mean, there were people I know that I HATED to see, but I figured I didn't have to work with them as directly as I did with cashiers and guest service team members. The daily interactions I had with some people have even carried into my personal life, and I appreciate that to no end. However, that red and khaki was fun, I can't lie. I'm disappointed to an extent that I wasn't one of the "favorited" ones; I say that because the infraction I was fired for (yes, I don't mind telling people that I was fired, it's the truth) was something that almost every person in my position has done before. I think it's just a matter of who tells on you and who is told. LOL. I've really thought about that a lot and it bothers me that people would act so juvenile, but believe me when I say that KARMA is an evil heifer and she exacts her revenge mercilessly.
I'm feeling the need for a J-Bizzle Experience 2.0 (or is it 3.0?) in the near future. I think I want to get more of the western states in this time. Texas, Arkansas, California, Washington; states over there, not just states in the southeast and northeast like last year. I had an AMAZING time in Chicago, Washington D.C., New York, Boston, Charlotte, Atlanta, Norfolk, Philly (even though I just breezed through), Orlando, Tuscaloosa, and all the other places I went last year, but this year I want to really head WEST. So look out west coast. LOL.
Okay, I had my fun, but now I need to get into my music. I'm SOOOOOOOOOO behind on listening to my music that I'm going to be digging in this weekend HARD. Darien Brockington, Monica's latest, Erykah Badu, Raheem DeVaughn, Slim (from 112, finally), Coko's latest, just a BUNCH of stuff. Maybe I'll even write some reviews. LOL.
I'm out...two fingaz...
Being unemployed now (wow...reading that bothered me a little, but I won't edit it out of my writings) frees up a lot of time to...do nothing. LOL. Most of the time and most of the day, I sit around in tank top and draws doing nothing. Listening to music, watching DVR programming, short trips to Popeye's and random places notwithstanding, what is there to do? No job to wake up for, occasional meetings at the school, choir rehearsal...and then what?
It's funny...being unemployed has shown me the true nature of a LOT of people. When people THINK you don't have any money, they're less prone to invite you out to eat, less prone to invite you on random road trips, less prone to invite you to parties and what not. I still get invited to the occasional social events that I really don't want to attend to begin with, but sometimes, it's best to show your face so people don't worry about you and shower you with feigned pity. LOL. I support my friends and their events still with no concerns about my bills, because they are clearly paid for. That said, I know I have to be more financially responsible now that I don't have an extra income to fall back on. My bills are paid, food is stocked in the fridge, all that jazz...but no more Ferragamo boots or things like that. I might even have to eat at...dare I say it...Applebee's...nah, NOT happening anytime soon. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Sitting here listening to music with the TV off is making me be a little more real and honest than I usually would be, but I don't mind. More often than not I volunteer information in my quest to be transparent as often as possible, and that WILL continue, believe that. That said, here goes...
It's a little awkward waking up with nothing to do. I had fallen in the routine of waking up and begrudgingly dragging myself to work that I miss it. Granted, I DO NOT miss some of the people at The Bullseye, but there are some people that I do miss, even though I could just go up there anytime I'd like. The difference is, the time period. There was a lot of fun that I had at work and I'd wake up excited to work with CERTAIN people. I mean, there were people I know that I HATED to see, but I figured I didn't have to work with them as directly as I did with cashiers and guest service team members. The daily interactions I had with some people have even carried into my personal life, and I appreciate that to no end. However, that red and khaki was fun, I can't lie. I'm disappointed to an extent that I wasn't one of the "favorited" ones; I say that because the infraction I was fired for (yes, I don't mind telling people that I was fired, it's the truth) was something that almost every person in my position has done before. I think it's just a matter of who tells on you and who is told. LOL. I've really thought about that a lot and it bothers me that people would act so juvenile, but believe me when I say that KARMA is an evil heifer and she exacts her revenge mercilessly.
I'm feeling the need for a J-Bizzle Experience 2.0 (or is it 3.0?) in the near future. I think I want to get more of the western states in this time. Texas, Arkansas, California, Washington; states over there, not just states in the southeast and northeast like last year. I had an AMAZING time in Chicago, Washington D.C., New York, Boston, Charlotte, Atlanta, Norfolk, Philly (even though I just breezed through), Orlando, Tuscaloosa, and all the other places I went last year, but this year I want to really head WEST. So look out west coast. LOL.
Okay, I had my fun, but now I need to get into my music. I'm SOOOOOOOOOO behind on listening to my music that I'm going to be digging in this weekend HARD. Darien Brockington, Monica's latest, Erykah Badu, Raheem DeVaughn, Slim (from 112, finally), Coko's latest, just a BUNCH of stuff. Maybe I'll even write some reviews. LOL.
I'm out...two fingaz...
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Sing, Sing, Sing!! (Not the Prison...)
Musicking:
"These Are the Last Days" - Twinkie Clark
"Valley of Lonely" - Betty Wright
"From Pain to Joy" - Betty Wright
When I was younger, as far back as I can remember, I wanted to be a singer. I remember singing along with my mother to "Saturday Love" by Cherelle and Alexander O'Neal, singing "Through the Fire", and even singing the "whistle notes" in Shanice's "Lovin' You" (before I knew Minnie Riperton did the original and before the pubic hair set in). It just seemed like music was the place to be.
MANY years later, before the onset of commercial R&B (when people just needed to shake their a**es to obtain a record deal), I was a high school kid in my sophomore year, just singing for the fun of it, when I came across a couple friends that wanted to form a group. Up until then, I never took singing seriously, just playing around and what not. But, the group then actually had something, and that's where I learned harmony. I fiddled around previously with harmony, because I always seemed to hear the other parts other than the main one that everyone else would sing. But actually singing a harmony line by myself and hearing the sweet sound of it was great to me. It was then that I decided that I really didn't want to be much of a solo singer, but to be in a group.
Being in several groups and hearing SO many singers, professional or otherwise, has taught me something; opinions of good singing are SO varied. I've heard some legendary recording artists that I would never consider great singers, and I've heard some upcoming artists that I think can blow those same legends out the water. But, that's just me...if I were to list some of those legends that I think weren't or aren't all that great, sooo many people would think I had bumped my head and lost my mind. But, I promise I'm not crazy.
To me, a good singer doesn't do eight thousand runs in one sentence, knows the difference between "modulating" and "inverting", knows the difference between head voice and falsetto, knows what tessitura means, and doesn't rely on unnecessary vocal gimmicks. Or, even someone who may not have all the knowledge but just does something to my soul when they sing. Singers like Betty Wright, Lisa McClendon, Minnie Riperton, Donny Hathaway, Peabo Bryson, and Whitney Houston (before 2000) didn't have to do all those runs and riffs but just relied on their natural tone and sang WELL. It's singers like that that make me want to buy their albums. I mean, runs are cute and all, but runs don't make someone a great singer. Someone who can control the timbre in their voice, someone who can call forth emotions without showing it, someone who can tell a story with their voice; that's what I like.
I'm soooo not into a LOT of these "singers" of today. If one were to look into my Zune, you'd find much more music from the 80s and 90s than you would from the past couple of years. There are too many people out these days that go for the hit instead of the acclaim. I'd rather hear someone scat than scare. People have relied so heavily on their image and their beats and producers that the focus has gone away from the voice. What happened to the real singing? Auto-Tune? No. Breathy, rap-singing? I'll pass. Fifteen melismata in one word? Not necessary.
Just give me some good ol' singing, darn it!
"These Are the Last Days" - Twinkie Clark
"Valley of Lonely" - Betty Wright
"From Pain to Joy" - Betty Wright
When I was younger, as far back as I can remember, I wanted to be a singer. I remember singing along with my mother to "Saturday Love" by Cherelle and Alexander O'Neal, singing "Through the Fire", and even singing the "whistle notes" in Shanice's "Lovin' You" (before I knew Minnie Riperton did the original and before the pubic hair set in). It just seemed like music was the place to be.
MANY years later, before the onset of commercial R&B (when people just needed to shake their a**es to obtain a record deal), I was a high school kid in my sophomore year, just singing for the fun of it, when I came across a couple friends that wanted to form a group. Up until then, I never took singing seriously, just playing around and what not. But, the group then actually had something, and that's where I learned harmony. I fiddled around previously with harmony, because I always seemed to hear the other parts other than the main one that everyone else would sing. But actually singing a harmony line by myself and hearing the sweet sound of it was great to me. It was then that I decided that I really didn't want to be much of a solo singer, but to be in a group.
Being in several groups and hearing SO many singers, professional or otherwise, has taught me something; opinions of good singing are SO varied. I've heard some legendary recording artists that I would never consider great singers, and I've heard some upcoming artists that I think can blow those same legends out the water. But, that's just me...if I were to list some of those legends that I think weren't or aren't all that great, sooo many people would think I had bumped my head and lost my mind. But, I promise I'm not crazy.
To me, a good singer doesn't do eight thousand runs in one sentence, knows the difference between "modulating" and "inverting", knows the difference between head voice and falsetto, knows what tessitura means, and doesn't rely on unnecessary vocal gimmicks. Or, even someone who may not have all the knowledge but just does something to my soul when they sing. Singers like Betty Wright, Lisa McClendon, Minnie Riperton, Donny Hathaway, Peabo Bryson, and Whitney Houston (before 2000) didn't have to do all those runs and riffs but just relied on their natural tone and sang WELL. It's singers like that that make me want to buy their albums. I mean, runs are cute and all, but runs don't make someone a great singer. Someone who can control the timbre in their voice, someone who can call forth emotions without showing it, someone who can tell a story with their voice; that's what I like.
I'm soooo not into a LOT of these "singers" of today. If one were to look into my Zune, you'd find much more music from the 80s and 90s than you would from the past couple of years. There are too many people out these days that go for the hit instead of the acclaim. I'd rather hear someone scat than scare. People have relied so heavily on their image and their beats and producers that the focus has gone away from the voice. What happened to the real singing? Auto-Tune? No. Breathy, rap-singing? I'll pass. Fifteen melismata in one word? Not necessary.
Just give me some good ol' singing, darn it!
Friday, January 1, 2010
Happy New Year?
Today was January 1, 2010. And I practically forgot.
Wait, let me rephrase that. I didn't forget at all; I just didn't do any of the typical stuff most people who "celebrate" the ringing in of a new year do. No bowl games, no parties, no tailgating, no unnecessary traffic to wherever, no kazoos, no silly A firecrackers, no random and forwarded Happy New Year text messages/instant messages/Facebook wall posts/phone calls. Nope.
I went to work. Didn't do much at work, but I went. And left almost on time. For a change.
Now I'm sitting here watching some DVR content (namely, trying to catch up on "Smallville"), and reflecting on what has truly been a GOOD day. I didn't need to party or drink myself into oblivion; I just lived my life as I usually do.
Actually, I take that back. I went and ministered outside of Orlando at Mission Road COGIC with JLCMI's praise team (Love you Toni!!!!!!!!!!!), and throughly enjoyed myself. On the road trip back at 1:30 or so early this morning, I went into what I typically call a reflective daze. This usually happens when I ponder what I am going to do in the near future.
I thought back to 2009. I did a LOT of things that I would have never thought I'd be able to do, but with a little happenstance and blessings, I DID it. I OWN a car, not lease, not rent, not my-momma-bought-it-for-me; I OWN my car, I travelled to a LOT of places that I never visited or just wanted to see what happens there. I went to the Big Apple!! New York City!!!!!! I had the most amazing birthday weekend in NYC and met some GREAT people! From DC to Charlotte, Atlanta to SW Ga., Nashville to Chicago, New York to Norfolk, I DID some travelling and LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. So what, pray tell, can I do to top it off?
I have no clue. But I'm sure I'll have soooo much fun figuring it out.
2010 looks to be an amazing year. With my group, Ledger and Voices of Remnant on the comeup, I'm excited to see what may come and I thank God for ALL of it; the good, the bad, the ugly, and even all the foolishness in-between. Everything happens for a reason...I'm going to learn my lessons from ALL of them.
And that's enough reason to celebrate for me.
It's 2010 bastitches...to coin a phrase from my friend Farris: "MAKE IT COUNT!!!!!"
Wait, let me rephrase that. I didn't forget at all; I just didn't do any of the typical stuff most people who "celebrate" the ringing in of a new year do. No bowl games, no parties, no tailgating, no unnecessary traffic to wherever, no kazoos, no silly A firecrackers, no random and forwarded Happy New Year text messages/instant messages/Facebook wall posts/phone calls. Nope.
I went to work. Didn't do much at work, but I went. And left almost on time. For a change.
Now I'm sitting here watching some DVR content (namely, trying to catch up on "Smallville"), and reflecting on what has truly been a GOOD day. I didn't need to party or drink myself into oblivion; I just lived my life as I usually do.
Actually, I take that back. I went and ministered outside of Orlando at Mission Road COGIC with JLCMI's praise team (Love you Toni!!!!!!!!!!!), and throughly enjoyed myself. On the road trip back at 1:30 or so early this morning, I went into what I typically call a reflective daze. This usually happens when I ponder what I am going to do in the near future.
I thought back to 2009. I did a LOT of things that I would have never thought I'd be able to do, but with a little happenstance and blessings, I DID it. I OWN a car, not lease, not rent, not my-momma-bought-it-for-me; I OWN my car, I travelled to a LOT of places that I never visited or just wanted to see what happens there. I went to the Big Apple!! New York City!!!!!! I had the most amazing birthday weekend in NYC and met some GREAT people! From DC to Charlotte, Atlanta to SW Ga., Nashville to Chicago, New York to Norfolk, I DID some travelling and LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. So what, pray tell, can I do to top it off?
I have no clue. But I'm sure I'll have soooo much fun figuring it out.
2010 looks to be an amazing year. With my group, Ledger and Voices of Remnant on the comeup, I'm excited to see what may come and I thank God for ALL of it; the good, the bad, the ugly, and even all the foolishness in-between. Everything happens for a reason...I'm going to learn my lessons from ALL of them.
And that's enough reason to celebrate for me.
It's 2010 bastitches...to coin a phrase from my friend Farris: "MAKE IT COUNT!!!!!"
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Thoughts and Thinkings...
Musicking:
"Wait A Minute" - Lawrence Flowers and Intercession
Witness Playlist:
"Thoughtful"
"After the Storm Is Gone"
"Why Not"
"Learning to Love You"
"You Haven't Lived"
"Take the Time to Wait"
I told myself that I was going to "write" a lot more; I just wish there was some way to transmit my thoughts to blog, without the tedious process of typing and rearranging words and the like. I'm trying to maintain my word by writing a little more. There are soooooo many random thoughts that run through this big head of mine that I should be able to write something EVERY day...just don't have the desire to.
As this year is rapidly coming to a close, I'm being quite retrospective. I've done A LOT of things that I didn't think I would be able to do; I was blessed to bless others, I was able to do some light travelling, and even work on my attitude and what not. I think that this year was a VERY good year. Even though there were plenty of hiccups, failed friendships, faked relationships, and frayed acquaintanceships, I've done pretty well in maintaining my sanity. Plenty other people would have lost their minds or something worse, but God has kept me.
I've noticed how subjective honesty really is. Lots of people are quite unwilling to hear what you have to say, even if they've asked for your opinion. I won't name names, but there are a couple people that I came into 2009 with that I surely will NOT leave 2009 with. If you ever feel the need to question my friendship based on an opinion that you've asked of me, then we probably shouldn't've been friends to begin with. If you have to question my friendship based on something I know NOTHING about, even after I ask you what it's about, then it's probably for the best that we maintain our distance (literally and figuratively).
A lot of people don't take constructive criticism well; I can freely admit that there have been times where I've fallen into that category. It's because of it that I can say, through experience, that it depends on HOW that criticism is given. Of course, if it's given in a sardonic, condescending way, it's DEFinitely not going to be received any way other than sardonic and condescending. If it comes from a loving place, then of course it'll be loved. However, the receiver should be WILLING to receive it in love, and not as someone "trying to get them together" or something like that. Now, I never volunteer constructive criticism (unless I'm being sarcastic, which is my trademark and different altogether), but lots of people feel as if that's what they give me. I just smile it off and try extra hard not to G.G. with them...
Speaking of which, working in retail has taught me to be PATIENT. Lord knows, if I were my old self, I could NEVER work in retail and deal with irate customers and actually enjoy it. My coworkers and even nosy, overhearing customers have noticed how I handle situations with ease, whereas most others get flustered. Thankfully, patience is something that I have been blessed with lately. Before, I'd cast one aside with the slightest of ease, like turning a page or tossing trash. Now, I just smile through others' frustrations, for there's lots of victory in patience. In patience possess ye your souls...
Take the time to wait...
So, as I close out this year, I'm going to live it like I lived it thus far...how I wanted to, dagnabbit!! LOL.
But best believe...I'ma do me in 2010...
Two fingaz!!
"Wait A Minute" - Lawrence Flowers and Intercession
Witness Playlist:
"Thoughtful"
"After the Storm Is Gone"
"Why Not"
"Learning to Love You"
"You Haven't Lived"
"Take the Time to Wait"
I told myself that I was going to "write" a lot more; I just wish there was some way to transmit my thoughts to blog, without the tedious process of typing and rearranging words and the like. I'm trying to maintain my word by writing a little more. There are soooooo many random thoughts that run through this big head of mine that I should be able to write something EVERY day...just don't have the desire to.
As this year is rapidly coming to a close, I'm being quite retrospective. I've done A LOT of things that I didn't think I would be able to do; I was blessed to bless others, I was able to do some light travelling, and even work on my attitude and what not. I think that this year was a VERY good year. Even though there were plenty of hiccups, failed friendships, faked relationships, and frayed acquaintanceships, I've done pretty well in maintaining my sanity. Plenty other people would have lost their minds or something worse, but God has kept me.
I've noticed how subjective honesty really is. Lots of people are quite unwilling to hear what you have to say, even if they've asked for your opinion. I won't name names, but there are a couple people that I came into 2009 with that I surely will NOT leave 2009 with. If you ever feel the need to question my friendship based on an opinion that you've asked of me, then we probably shouldn't've been friends to begin with. If you have to question my friendship based on something I know NOTHING about, even after I ask you what it's about, then it's probably for the best that we maintain our distance (literally and figuratively).
A lot of people don't take constructive criticism well; I can freely admit that there have been times where I've fallen into that category. It's because of it that I can say, through experience, that it depends on HOW that criticism is given. Of course, if it's given in a sardonic, condescending way, it's DEFinitely not going to be received any way other than sardonic and condescending. If it comes from a loving place, then of course it'll be loved. However, the receiver should be WILLING to receive it in love, and not as someone "trying to get them together" or something like that. Now, I never volunteer constructive criticism (unless I'm being sarcastic, which is my trademark and different altogether), but lots of people feel as if that's what they give me. I just smile it off and try extra hard not to G.G. with them...
Speaking of which, working in retail has taught me to be PATIENT. Lord knows, if I were my old self, I could NEVER work in retail and deal with irate customers and actually enjoy it. My coworkers and even nosy, overhearing customers have noticed how I handle situations with ease, whereas most others get flustered. Thankfully, patience is something that I have been blessed with lately. Before, I'd cast one aside with the slightest of ease, like turning a page or tossing trash. Now, I just smile through others' frustrations, for there's lots of victory in patience. In patience possess ye your souls...
Take the time to wait...
So, as I close out this year, I'm going to live it like I lived it thus far...how I wanted to, dagnabbit!! LOL.
But best believe...I'ma do me in 2010...
Two fingaz!!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Guess Who I Saw Today...
Musicking : "Guess Who I Saw Today" - Chante' Moore
"From Pain to Joy" - Betty Wright
"Chain of Broken Hearts" - Lisa Fischer
I parked my car and noticed that I was already late for work. It was a smooth drive from Savannah, minus the construction near Darien, GA, but stopping to get something to eat at a Taco Bell/Pizza Hut/KFC didn't seem to be the brightest idea, considering it added twenty minutes to my travel time (hence me being late for work). I ran into the apartment, grabbed the first pair of khaki pants and red shirt that was visible, and darted back to the car. I hadn't noticed the wind picked up until it tossed my dreadlocked ponytail onto my right shoulder. I chuckled at the thought and then entered my car. My routine set in: insert key, turn, release after ignition starts, scroll through Zune to play something decent and listenable, put on seatbelt, adjust AC, look down at my phone...
And in between looking at the phone and putting the car into drive to speed off, I looked up; not one of those random look-ups, but something forced, more pronounced than usual, as if someone called my name thisclose to my face. I looked up...
I saw him.
I stared for a moment, not really believing my eyes, and not really wanting to. I had to stare for a moment, as if my eyes needed to focus on what I was seeing, like being stranded in the Sahara and seeing a mirage of water ahead. I squinted to change focus, adjusted my glasses, anything, just to make sure I wasn't completely crazy.
It was him.
I wasn't sure how to feel, I didn't know what to say, I didn't remember anything I ate or what song I was listening to...I just blankly stared. He motioned at me, no, more like beckoned, as if he was calling me to get out of the car and at least speak, especially given that we made eye contact. Laughing at myself for knowing him more than I know myself, but cursing myself at the notion of actually getting out of the car, I put the car into drive and sped off. Of course, instinctively, I looked in my driver's side rearview mirror and the inside rearview to see if he was still standing there, which, much to my chagrin, he was.
I was in shock.
There he was; a man that I despised to no end at one point, decided to forgive, only to despise again for leaving me without calling, texting, emailing, Facebooking, MySpacing, Hi5ing, Tagging, Classmating, ANYTHING, just upped and stopped calling. Sure, the words "I love you" were said far more than once between us, but did I really mean it? I mean, the one man I could EVER love more than I love myself just upped and stopped calling and upped and stopped texting, whom I haven't seen in SOOOO long, just upped and stood in my parking lot out of the *bleep*ing blue sky?
I wasn't having it.
I can't remember what speed I was driving, I just remember hearing the flashing lights and sirens and wondering if they were behind me. I looked ahead and noticed that they weren't in front of me, so I was cool. At that moment, reality set back in; I was late for work!! I blasted the melismatic sounds of Betty Wright (I never noticed how much PREACHING she does inbetween all those vocal stylings) and felt the wind strongly punch my face, as if it was determined to get through me. I remember my tires screaming for some sense of mercy as I lurched the car in different directions, just to be less late for work than I could be. Parking spot, open door, exit, lock door, enter building. This routine was starting to get on my last bit of nerves, I kept telling myself.
Entering a less-than-chaotic store calms my nerves, that much I remember. I went to clock in for work and my mind goes back to my apartment parking lot and wondering if HE would ever decide to show up to my store. I recall him coming to my store once, a few years back. Not really knowing how to introduce him and not really wanting anyone to really notice our interaction, even though I'm sure they all did, even the bold few who decided to come speak. Only those closest to me got the REAL introduction; all others got the rushed change-of-subject sentence. My mind takes me back to that awkward time and then back to the present day, hoping that history does not repeat itself.
The goings-on of the day goes on, and eventually, it's time for my lunch. I have the pressure on my chest or heart or emotions or something, something that I really didn't want to talk about but definitely needed to. Instead of my usual routine of heading to McDonald's and praying that my parking space is still there upon my return, I decide to grab a pizza from the "food court" as it's affectionately called, and then go to the car to eat it and be away from the store. I get into the car, fiddle with my Zune and land on Lisa Fischer. I set the song and push play, and look up to see him standing there.
Him. Standing there.
I think of all those stalker movies and how the stalkee always seems to get injured or killed while trying to flee their stalker, and then I wonder how fast I can put the car in reverse and pull away, or at least hit some random cars to draw attention to the scene. Does he have a gun? Is he here to exact some sense of revenge for all those hurtful things I said before? "It wasn't my fault; you left ME!" I was thinking of saying if the approach seemed ominous. I sat there and watched him come closer to the car and then that beckon again. For some reason, the call was answered; I rolled my window down, just enough, and he peered in.
"Can we talk?"
Not wanting to attract any unwanted attention and feeling the waterworks begin, I obliged. He sat in the passenger seat, looked at me up and down, and hugged me. Not one of those I'm about to stab you in your back hugs, but one of those loving hugs...and then I felt the love all over again, the love I had longed for all those years ago, the feeling of him being there beside me and not letting the world and words of the world get me down, the love of it being just me and him against the world, no matter what the world was thinking or saying otherwise. It was at that moment that I didn't care who knew that I loved him, who saw me hug him, or who heard those loving words flow from our mouths to each other.
We loved each other, and that's all that mattered.
I grabbed my pizza and offered him some; he declined. We decided to go back into the store, to where we just sat and talked. Not just "hey, how are you doing" talk, but TALK as if there was nothing that wasn't worth saying. It was a gooooood talk, enough to matter; saying everything and nothing at the same time, just to hear each other's voice. I didn't care who saw and I didn't let anyone interrupt. I just sat there and listened and talked when it was my turn...
I noticed that it was time for me to go back to work and I stood up. I told him I needed to get back to work; he said he couldn't stay, he was just here for a moment. I didn't want him to leave; I wanted this moment to LAST. A couple co-workers looked at us and smiled. One said, "oh, so THIS is who you've been bragging about and talking about all this time; I can see why!" and then exchanged pleasantries. I was PROUD to introduce him to anyone who was willing to know who he was. I was ecstatic that people were embracing him and it felt good to know that people KNEW that I loved him. He turned to go home. I hugged him and told him that I would see him later; he said he couldn't wait to talk to me again. That felt soooo good. He got to the front door and almost-whispered, "I love you Jamaal."
"Are you going to clock in or what?"
I looked behind me. One of my co-workers was standing behind me in that typical, I'm-about-to-roll-my-neck-at-you-if-you-even-atTEMPT-to-get-smart-with-me exasperated look. I turned back around to see no one standing at the door, to which I just stared for a moment. The beeping of time clock commenced behind me and my co-worker swished by me. I sighed, stared at the door one more time, then turned back around to clock in for work. I took one step, stopped, looked up, sighed, and then, finally brought my mind and words together to say:
"I love you too, Daddy."
Happy Birthday, Daddy. I love you. Rest in Peace.
"From Pain to Joy" - Betty Wright
"Chain of Broken Hearts" - Lisa Fischer
I parked my car and noticed that I was already late for work. It was a smooth drive from Savannah, minus the construction near Darien, GA, but stopping to get something to eat at a Taco Bell/Pizza Hut/KFC didn't seem to be the brightest idea, considering it added twenty minutes to my travel time (hence me being late for work). I ran into the apartment, grabbed the first pair of khaki pants and red shirt that was visible, and darted back to the car. I hadn't noticed the wind picked up until it tossed my dreadlocked ponytail onto my right shoulder. I chuckled at the thought and then entered my car. My routine set in: insert key, turn, release after ignition starts, scroll through Zune to play something decent and listenable, put on seatbelt, adjust AC, look down at my phone...
And in between looking at the phone and putting the car into drive to speed off, I looked up; not one of those random look-ups, but something forced, more pronounced than usual, as if someone called my name thisclose to my face. I looked up...
I saw him.
I stared for a moment, not really believing my eyes, and not really wanting to. I had to stare for a moment, as if my eyes needed to focus on what I was seeing, like being stranded in the Sahara and seeing a mirage of water ahead. I squinted to change focus, adjusted my glasses, anything, just to make sure I wasn't completely crazy.
It was him.
I wasn't sure how to feel, I didn't know what to say, I didn't remember anything I ate or what song I was listening to...I just blankly stared. He motioned at me, no, more like beckoned, as if he was calling me to get out of the car and at least speak, especially given that we made eye contact. Laughing at myself for knowing him more than I know myself, but cursing myself at the notion of actually getting out of the car, I put the car into drive and sped off. Of course, instinctively, I looked in my driver's side rearview mirror and the inside rearview to see if he was still standing there, which, much to my chagrin, he was.
I was in shock.
There he was; a man that I despised to no end at one point, decided to forgive, only to despise again for leaving me without calling, texting, emailing, Facebooking, MySpacing, Hi5ing, Tagging, Classmating, ANYTHING, just upped and stopped calling. Sure, the words "I love you" were said far more than once between us, but did I really mean it? I mean, the one man I could EVER love more than I love myself just upped and stopped calling and upped and stopped texting, whom I haven't seen in SOOOO long, just upped and stood in my parking lot out of the *bleep*ing blue sky?
I wasn't having it.
I can't remember what speed I was driving, I just remember hearing the flashing lights and sirens and wondering if they were behind me. I looked ahead and noticed that they weren't in front of me, so I was cool. At that moment, reality set back in; I was late for work!! I blasted the melismatic sounds of Betty Wright (I never noticed how much PREACHING she does inbetween all those vocal stylings) and felt the wind strongly punch my face, as if it was determined to get through me. I remember my tires screaming for some sense of mercy as I lurched the car in different directions, just to be less late for work than I could be. Parking spot, open door, exit, lock door, enter building. This routine was starting to get on my last bit of nerves, I kept telling myself.
Entering a less-than-chaotic store calms my nerves, that much I remember. I went to clock in for work and my mind goes back to my apartment parking lot and wondering if HE would ever decide to show up to my store. I recall him coming to my store once, a few years back. Not really knowing how to introduce him and not really wanting anyone to really notice our interaction, even though I'm sure they all did, even the bold few who decided to come speak. Only those closest to me got the REAL introduction; all others got the rushed change-of-subject sentence. My mind takes me back to that awkward time and then back to the present day, hoping that history does not repeat itself.
The goings-on of the day goes on, and eventually, it's time for my lunch. I have the pressure on my chest or heart or emotions or something, something that I really didn't want to talk about but definitely needed to. Instead of my usual routine of heading to McDonald's and praying that my parking space is still there upon my return, I decide to grab a pizza from the "food court" as it's affectionately called, and then go to the car to eat it and be away from the store. I get into the car, fiddle with my Zune and land on Lisa Fischer. I set the song and push play, and look up to see him standing there.
Him. Standing there.
I think of all those stalker movies and how the stalkee always seems to get injured or killed while trying to flee their stalker, and then I wonder how fast I can put the car in reverse and pull away, or at least hit some random cars to draw attention to the scene. Does he have a gun? Is he here to exact some sense of revenge for all those hurtful things I said before? "It wasn't my fault; you left ME!" I was thinking of saying if the approach seemed ominous. I sat there and watched him come closer to the car and then that beckon again. For some reason, the call was answered; I rolled my window down, just enough, and he peered in.
"Can we talk?"
Not wanting to attract any unwanted attention and feeling the waterworks begin, I obliged. He sat in the passenger seat, looked at me up and down, and hugged me. Not one of those I'm about to stab you in your back hugs, but one of those loving hugs...and then I felt the love all over again, the love I had longed for all those years ago, the feeling of him being there beside me and not letting the world and words of the world get me down, the love of it being just me and him against the world, no matter what the world was thinking or saying otherwise. It was at that moment that I didn't care who knew that I loved him, who saw me hug him, or who heard those loving words flow from our mouths to each other.
We loved each other, and that's all that mattered.
I grabbed my pizza and offered him some; he declined. We decided to go back into the store, to where we just sat and talked. Not just "hey, how are you doing" talk, but TALK as if there was nothing that wasn't worth saying. It was a gooooood talk, enough to matter; saying everything and nothing at the same time, just to hear each other's voice. I didn't care who saw and I didn't let anyone interrupt. I just sat there and listened and talked when it was my turn...
I noticed that it was time for me to go back to work and I stood up. I told him I needed to get back to work; he said he couldn't stay, he was just here for a moment. I didn't want him to leave; I wanted this moment to LAST. A couple co-workers looked at us and smiled. One said, "oh, so THIS is who you've been bragging about and talking about all this time; I can see why!" and then exchanged pleasantries. I was PROUD to introduce him to anyone who was willing to know who he was. I was ecstatic that people were embracing him and it felt good to know that people KNEW that I loved him. He turned to go home. I hugged him and told him that I would see him later; he said he couldn't wait to talk to me again. That felt soooo good. He got to the front door and almost-whispered, "I love you Jamaal."
"Are you going to clock in or what?"
I looked behind me. One of my co-workers was standing behind me in that typical, I'm-about-to-roll-my-neck-at-you-if-you-even-atTEMPT-to-get-smart-with-me exasperated look. I turned back around to see no one standing at the door, to which I just stared for a moment. The beeping of time clock commenced behind me and my co-worker swished by me. I sighed, stared at the door one more time, then turned back around to clock in for work. I took one step, stopped, looked up, sighed, and then, finally brought my mind and words together to say:
"I love you too, Daddy."
Happy Birthday, Daddy. I love you. Rest in Peace.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Misconceptions of Me...
What's up to whomever may read this...
I've slacked on writing my thoughts out a lot more, simply because a) I don't think a lot of people would be interested in hearing my opinions about random stuff, and b) I haven't really made the time to do it. My life is just a mess and I need to get it together! LOL.
If you know me, one thing I absolutely HATE preconceived notions, especially those based upon who I may or may not associate with. I feel like I extend courtesy to people to not judge them based upon who they know or what they wear or how they look/sound/act, so I expect that same courtesy. Unfortunately, outside of my friends and associates, that is never the case. It's amazing, the stories I've heard about me. Just utter ridiculous mess...I cannot fathom that one would have enough time to concoct some random stuff about me or even any judgments about me based upon what others have said. If you have that much time, why not use it productively? Maybe you'd be a lot further in life...
For the record:
1) I have never, ever, in my entire life, looked down on ANYONE. I think people have that misconception because I try to carry myself in good standing. Heck, I'm 6'4"...I have no choice but to look down at you. One of my good friends told me once: "If you think I am looking down at you, you truly believe that you are beneath me." That quote has stuck with me and that's how I feel. It's not my fault that I walk confidently, I speak with articulation, and, I'd like to think, I look halfway decent. But, I don't let it get to my head at all. I just live my life how I want to. Furthermore, a lot of people think that because I may correct a mispronounced word or I give you a "WTF look" that means I'm being nasty or condescending; not at all. I just want so much more for you than you seem to want for yourself. If I continue to let you mispronounce a word or wear mix-match clothes, what kind of friend am I to NOT tell you? Someone who's not a friend won't give you that same help; they'd just discount you from jump.
2) I'm not bourgeious, boozhwah, whatever. I just like to live comfortably within my means. If I'm able to bless someone that has blessed me, why is that an issue? Yes, I have a car, but I have to keep it up just like you. I know from where I come, and Lord knows I'm not trying to go back there (figuratively), but that doesn't mean I go on these lavish spending sprees or rock the latest fashions. If I were able to, I MIGHT, but I don't, so shut up. LOL. I just wear what I think looks good on ME, not what I think you would think looks good. Stop the madness.
3) I try my best not to be judgmental. I have a wide array of friends; black, white, Puerto Rican, Chinese, tall, skinny, short, fat, straight, gay, bisexual, trisexual, ex-cons, future-cons, whatever! I don't have time to put friends through the application process to know if, in the future, they'll be amazing friends for life or just associates for that time period. I just know that I'm a big networker and even bigger friend. I love PEOPLE. I don't care what your past looks like, I don't care who you sleep with, I don't care how much money you have, I don't care where you live. As long as you don't directly affect me in a harmful way, we're cool. I don't boo-hoo when someone deletes me from MySpace or Facebook; nine times out of ten, if you delete me, you should have a LONG time ago, or you're deleting me over something petty and ridiculous, and for that, I don't need you anyway. That said, I'm a friend to anyone.
4) I'm NOT unapproachable. A lot of people think that I carry myself far above those that would like to converse with me, as if I wave my hand to people and say "be away from me". I've never done that. Sure, I may scoff at you and I may wave you off, but not because I'm above you; it could be a myriad of reasons why. LOL. Ask anyone who actually knows me, the real me, and they'd tell you that I am an amazing person once you get to know me. I speak to anyone who speaks to me and I have no hame in doing so. Just make sure if I speak to you that you extend that same courtesy.
All in all, I'm just me; love it or leave it. I'm not here to be friends with everyone and I don't particularly like everyone, and I don't HAVE to. If we click, we click; if we don't, SMD. LOL!!!!
I'm out...deuces!!
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