Musicking: "Occupy Until I Come" - Lexi
She was the first one to want to know the real me instead of the me that she heard about from others, the me she saw on my profile, the me that she saw on TV, the me that she saw walking the halls or the me she saw at concerts or other appearances. She was the first one to take me seriously, to understand my sarcasm wasn't a defense mechanism, and to know that when I said something I really meant it. She was the first one to really get inside my head and understand why I did or said the things I did.
She was the one that made sure that I looked appropriate for interviews or for concerts and appearances. She was the one that kept my weight right and made sure I cared about myself and my appearance. She was the one that made sure that education was my top priority, and that I stayed on top of my studies. She was the one that braided my hair, cut my fingernails and toenails, trimmed my sideburns and goatee, and ironed my clothes for the week (after she picked them out).
She was the first one that didn't decide my future for me, made sure I had a hand in those decisions. She was the one to support even my dumbest ideas and thoughts, even if they didn't agree with hers. She was the first woman that ACTUALLY didn't WANT to argue and get the upper hand in a disagreement. She was the first one to match my wit and sarcasm.
She was the first woman that didn't go all out to make me PROVE that I actually liked women. She was the first one to really burn into my mind that it didn't matter what people thought, it only mattered what I did. She was the main one in my corner. She was the one that I could actually see myself in my corner.
She was the one that my mother actually LIKED.
She was the one that I wanted to be with for the rest of my natural life.
She wasn't perfect.
She was the first one to betray my trust. She was the first one to cast my name into the bottomless pit of rage and vindictiveness. She was the first one to want to seek revenge for a missed phone call or a missed text message. She was the one that stayed outside my house to make sure I didn't bring another female home.
She was the first one to break my emotional and mental defenses. She was the main catalyst for my weight fluctuations. She was the one to call some of my ideas and thoughts "stupid" and "moronic". She was the first woman to make me not really trust women (or anyone close to me for that matter). She was the first one to make me feel like I could never be worth anything.
She was the first woman to find whatever "dirt" she thought she had on me and try to use it against me. She was the first one to call anyone in my phone and tell them all about some lie she made up. She was the first one to actually attempt to be abusive. She was the first one to check up on me to see if I was where I said I was or doing what I said I was doing.
She was the one that became the hypocrite. She was the one that believed her friends before she believed me. She was the one that sullied my name to the best of her ability. She was the one that tried to turn my TRUE friends against me. She was the one that tried to turn my TRUE family against me.
She was the first one I forgave. Not forgot, but forgave.
And then she was the first one that missed the water when the well ran completely dry.
I took the ring off my fourth finger, left hand, and placed it inside the box. I grabbed a couple more pieces of jewelry and placed it around the ring. I looked at the pictures that told of happier times and places seen and heard and put them in the box as well. I closed the box, taped it, and set it on the dresser to be taken to the post office first thing in the morning. The phone rang, and I answered it.
"Hey my son," my mother chimed. "What are you doing?"
"Nothing," I said. "Packed up some things, prepared to finally start this new chapter in my life."
"Oh Lord," my mother said and sighed. "Look at my son, trying to get all deep. Are you okay? You know you can always fly home and stay here if you want."
I smiled and chuckled a bit. "Nah, that's okay. I'm pretty sure I can handle this."
She gave me one of those snide mmmmhmmms and then chuckled herself. "Are you in for the night?"
"Yes," I told her as I stood up and headed towards the stack of DVDs. "I think I'll just watch some TV and then doze off for the night."
I reached for "Clueless" and took it out of the stack. A picture fell on the floor at my feet, and, instinctively, I picked it up. I looked at it and was immediately taken back to a place that I didn't want to go. I whispered to my mother that I'd call her back, much to her chagrin. I took the picture and sat on the bed and stared at it, not really or fully believing what I saw in it.
There I was, Kool-Aid smile intact, sitting next to her. In the front of us were twin boys that bore a striking resemblance to me with the same Kool-Aid grins on their faces. In her hands was a baby boy that had my nose and my eyebrows and my light eyes. I stared at the picture trying to remember how much time it was taken before the one night that shattered my entire life. My vision became blurry and the colors all melded together, so I blinked and let the floodgates rise and fall.
She was the one that broke my heart. Twice. In one night.
And my life as I knew it has never been the same again.
In one fell swoop, she took my kids, my ring, and my fiance all away from me. I had never in my life before felt like everything I had achieved, every goal attained, every prayer and wish answered was a lie. All lies. I never felt so lifeless and empty as the day the doctor confirmed what she told me. I never felt so betrayed, so hurt, so empty, so lifeless, so dead inside.
She was the one I forgave. Never forgot, never will forget...but forgave.
"You think you know, but you have NO idea..."