10-28-08...Reflection...

Whattup peeps? I'm in my reflective mode...and this will be one of the most personal blogs I have ever written...

Today is October 28, 2008...as most everyone knows, my father passed away about three months ago (thirteen weeks to the day). Today, he would have been 49 years old.

I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that. I've never been extremely close to my father, but that stems from me not really accepting the fact that he did the best job he could. I looked around at my friends, and even some of my family, who still had both their mothers and fathers as a permanent part of their family. Yes, I was an envious child; seemed to me the best families had both parents at home.

To no discredit to either of my parents, I had always wished that they were both there...maybe I would have grown up a different person? Don't get me wrong...I LOVE the me that I am today. Strong-willed, independent, opinionated, sarcastic, and critically analytical person that I am, I have grown into myself. Yet, I often wondered how I would have turned out had my father and mother been married and raised our family together. I'd be a lot closer to my sister and maybe most of our family wouldn't be so disjointed...

My father did the best job he could...he and my mother weren't married, and I wrongfully blamed him fully. He and my mother were both in the navy, deployed at different times, stationed at different places, simply because he and she were not married. Growing up, I never fully understood that...but it made me a bitter child towards my father. I'd blame him for the slightest things...I never hated him, ever at all...just wished he was there.

As I got older, I noticed my way of thinking was quite biased and even jaded. Nevertheless, I always realized that he wished he were closer to me...and wanted the best out of our family possible. He always spoke highly of his children and his family, even though, most of the time, we were some of the most dysfunctional people you would ever see. We needed our own reality TV show! LOL. Nevertheless, he had a deep-rooted sense of family that, even after his death, still holds today. I still run into people, via email and in person, that tell me how often he spoke of me, his son, doing so much educationally and being a role model for him. Go figure! The son being a model for the father? Surely, I MUST do that honor some justice, for he was a role model for me...

Yes, I miss him...yes, I wish I could take back all those years of misguided envy and loathing. But, I thank God for his time here on Earth...because he has helped me grow in more ways than one...

I think sometimes that I could never be the man my father was...but, I don't think I want to be anymore. I want to be the best me that I can be, based on his life and his experiences. Yes, I look like him, hell, even close to his twin. LOL. But, I'm me...

And that's just what he has taught me to be.

Love ya pops...rest easy. Be of good work to the Lord...
William Bailey - October 28, 1959 - July 30, 2008

Opinionations...

Hey hey, whatcha say?

So, check it. I've been lurking around a bit, reading some blogs here and there, and I'm seeing a resounding theme...and it's a bit disturbing to me.

There seems to be an influx of people who are unwilling to accept one's opinion...and right within my own close network.

I'm friends with a multitude of people who have differing and similar opinions on various subjects. There are times when I have vehemently disagreed with someone's opinion and there are times when I have fully supported someone's decision. However, I have never superimposed my opinion on anyone, nor have I ever engaged in a mudslinging campaign to denounce someone's opinion as blatantly biased and subjective...

Yes, it's wrong for someone to engage in name-calling and childlike retorts because your viewpoint differs from that of another; but, it makes you NO BETTER when you judge someone and criticize them for having a differing point of view.

We are all grown, consenting adults, and we all have the mental tools to agree to disagree in our debates without resorting to insults and namebashing campaigns with others. That shows a vindictive, retaliatory spirit that can eat you from your core without you realizing it...

And it's not a good look for your intelligence.

That's just my $0.02, 2¢, whatever...

Old Folks...

Whattup peoples??

I had an interesting conversation at work with an older gentleman and his wife. From living in Chicago in the 1950s to working in the steel mills of Gary, IN, and from getting a high school diploma at age 25 to seeing Marian Anderson perform live in Carnegie Hall, we ran the gamut of topics and covered a lot of ground. We even had discussions of my goals and dreams.

As we all conversed, I noticed how times have really changed: the prices of gas; the advent of WalMart post Woolco and Woolworth, Benneton, and Zayre; cars costing only four figures instead of five, and so forth. Also, I learned a veryt valuable lesson...

Often, we as youth cast the older generation aside, as if they are just living in senility and visions of yestertear. But, we miss the fact that those same septa-, octa -, and nonagenarians have so much wisdom imparted in them because they have lived through so many different experiences and obstacles that we can only dream of. I learned more in twenty minutes speaking with this couple than I did watching twenty years of BET.

So, the next time one of my elders stop me to speak, I won't shrug them off in a desperate attempt to get away...I'm going to listen.

Just thinking...and remembering Woolworth's on 113th and Michigan...

Reality...

The other day, I was walking down the street with my cousin George, my father, and my brothers, Tre'Von and Brandon, headed towards the park just to play catch-up. It had been a LONG time since I had seen any of them and it was good to have them all in the same place, just talking and what not. It had been a while since I was back home in Chicago anyway, so we all decided to just hang out and chill with one another.

As we were walking, I noticed an old friend, Terrence White, that I hadn't seen since eighth grade. I told my family that I would catch up with them, and that I had to go say wassup to Terrence, seeing how I hadn't seen him in 13 years. I ran into a store, following him. Upon entry, I noticed that he was nowhere to be found. I looked, looked, and looked again, to no avail. Where in the world did he go?

Finally, I heard some voices coming from above; instinct told me to look up. At the top of some stairs, there he was, coming down. "Oh my God, it's Terrence White!" I said to him, which elicited a smile from him. "Wow, Jamaal Bivens, the smartest dude in Higgins," he said. We shook hands, hugged, and grinned at each other. What seemed like an eternity passed as he and I played catch-up, updating each other on the goings-on in our lives. Then, I realized that my family just might be looking for me, so we exchanged numbers, and I promised to call him when I returned to Jacksonville.

After walking for a bit, I finally caught up with my family, as they were nearing the park. My youngest brother, Tre'Von, had the silliest idea that he could pick me up. "Jamaal, I can, watch!" he said as he proceeded to bear-hug my thighs and attempt to hoist me in the air. I laughed at his determination; my younger brother, Brandon, laughed as well. Brandon then told Tre'Von, "This is how you do it." As he attempted, I told him, "Now you know you are 'Skinny Minny', so there is no way you are picking me up." Of course, he couldn't. I glanced at my cousin, who looked back at me and said, "Now you know I ain't even trying."

My father laughed at each of them. "Come here Jamaal, you know I can get you," he said to me with his trademark sheepish grin. I leered at him. "Dad, you know I am taller than you. How do you profess to pick me up?" Now, knowing that I'm 6'4" and about 220 pounds, that's no easy feat. But, my father picked me up, and even told me to sit on his shoulders, and I happily obliged. I'm sure to anyone walking or driving by that this had to be an awkward sight; a huge, giant of a man sitting on another man's shoulders. But, to me, it reminded me of a childhood that I wish I had; growing up with my father. I laughed and grinned and cheered like the youngest 26 year old ever. I was a kid again!

We stayed in the park for about an hour or so, catching up, singing, and laughing. Suddenly my father said, "Hey, how about we go to your grandmother's house so she can cook you something?" He and I laughed really hard at that notion, because we couldn't immediately think of the last time Grandma Ora actually cooked something. As we started to walk, I looked around and then it hit me. "Dad, we aren't going to walk all the way to Grandma's house, are we?" He laughed and said, "Boy, now I know you think I am the peak of fitness, but if we started walking now, I'm sure we'd get there by next week." I laughed at him and then felt kind of silly, realizing how far she really lived. And then it hit me...

"Dad, we can't go to Grandma's house." He stopped walking and looked really puzzled, thought a bit, and then looked at me quizzically and asked, "Why not?" I looked down at my feet, not really wanting to admit it out loud, but seeing the reality of the situation. "Because she died last year."

He looked at me, somber at first, and then perked up and said, "No, that was just a dream." I looked at him, trying to understand fully what he just said. I know for a fact I was there at Grandma's funeral; I couldn't've dreamt that. I looked around and suddenly, I didn't know where I was. Even though I hadn't been in Chicago in a little while, somehow, we were no longer in my neighborhood, or even close proximity. It almost reminded me a little of...Central Park?

"No, wait...none of this is right...this is all wrong," I said, unknowingly, out loud. My father looked at me as if I was crazy, and asked "What's wrong?"

"All of this," I said. "You, Grandma, Brandon, George...this isn't right." The levees had broken and I could feel the heat as each tear flowed down my face...

And I woke up. I looked at the clock, and it was 4:28am. I looked around, and I was in my room in Jacksonville, in moonlit darkness. And I cried myself back to sleep.

RIP: Cousin George (1983-2005), Grandma Ora (1934-2007) and Dad (1959-2008)

Self-Image = Self-Worth...

"Image is everything"...

Is that really the truth? If it is, then some people don't have a thing...

I'm noticing that imagery is the big thing these days. You have males aspiring to look like Lil' Wayne (who, to me, is the epitome of unattractive) and woman aspiring to be pencil-thin to try to grace the covers of those has-been magazines. What is really going on?

I cannot fathom why anyone would want to dress a certain way to attempt to be appealing, much less one who wears things that others have picked out for them. However, clearly if you look good, others will notice and take heed, and actually deem you worth some company versus a good joke.

So, I say all that say that there should be some sense of guidelines as to what to wear in public to avoid getting cussed out or talked about, but to have people actually laughing with you and not AT you...

Ladies first:

Wear something that fits...if you know you are a big girl, you should not be prancing around in anything that people can count your rolls in your stomach. It's okay to ear that bigger shirt. Some men will actually find it a lot more appealing if you actually wear something that embraces your big girl flair, not overexposing it. Be classy with it and leave that fishnet shirt on the rack. Conversely, if you are a skinny girl, you can't ear anything tight either. Grab you something that will cover your self, but not a kimono or a mu-mu. A nice sundress will do the trick and actually give you the chance to exude sexiness versus skinniness.

Ladies, care about your hair. It is cool to want to be natural, but make sure you control it. There shouldn't be ANY living or formerly living insect or animal in your hair, ever. Wash it routinely to avoid any type of debris. There is nothing wrong with a wig or weave; however, make sure it fits you and suits you. If you have brown hair, you should NOT be walking around with a black ponytail. That's not classy at all. Short haircuts need special and extra attention. If your hair is not naturally glow-in-the-dark, we need not let you put bright pink streaks inside of it. And trust me, everyone can NOT wear those one-sided asymmetrical hairstyles. It's NOT for everyone.

Men, you are NOT off the hook...

Fellas, it's okay to try to look your best before walking out the door. Mainstream American women will not appreciate you walking around in a dingy tank top and your underwear outside of your pants/jeans. One thing gets me of late is the affinity for tank tops/wifebeaters. Dudes, those ARE NOT for everyone!! If you are 6'2" and 100lbs, you NEED NOT be in public with a wifebeater on. It does not make you look any more buff than a simple t-shirt would...it just makes you look, well, skinny. And if your shirt size is naturally a small or medium, wear that instead of a 3x. A t-shirt or graphic tee should not be swallowing you whole. For my big dudes, you can't wear a wifebeater either; it makes you look like a wifebeater. It's okay to throw on a t-shirt that you can breathe in, not one that swallows you either. It is just going to make you look a lot bigger if you have on a 5x shirt when you only need a 3x.

Dudes, pull your pants up. Let's not be stereotyped just because we want to wear our pants low (If you MUST wear your pants low, at least wear clean underwear underneath). You don't have to put on jeans that look like skinny jeans, but at least have them on your waist with a belt on. That's so much more attractive to mainstream folks than showing off your Joe Boxers. And if I see one more a**crack, I promise I am either going to pour some hot water down it or kick it...


We just have to be realistic with the way we look in public. It's okay to wear whatever you want to wear in the comfort of your own home, but in public, even your own friends won't be very honest with you. It's up to you to look your best...

I learned this motto back in high school when I was in the modeling troupe, "Moving With A Purpose". Our advisor/mentor would always say "if you look better, you'll feel better, and you'll do better too..."

Amen.

I'm out. Deuces, skitches!!!

Connection...

Yep, it's me...

So, a dear friend of mine emailed me tonight, and we had the smallest of conversations, but it seemed like a LOT was said. You never know how much you miss someone or even someone misses you until they are gone...

You see, it has been a trying month for me. This friend of mine, D., and I hadn't really spoken in a while, but the couple of emails we shared tonight was enough to let me know that the connection was still there...he showed me that we hadn't spoken in a while, but when we did speak, the connection was there, and it was missed.

That's the importance of the word...connection. A connection is VITAL in any relationship, friendship, acquaintanceship, etc. If there is no connection, what is keeping that particular relationship afloat??

Just this past Friday, I found out that an ex of mine passed away of kidney failure. Now, this event made me reflect a lot more on the connectivity of that relationship/friendship. In the three or so weeks prior to Friday, I was miffed at the fact that I didn't get a phone call, I didn't get a text, an email, nothing...when all I had to do was CALL, TEXT, or EMAIL my damn self, and I would have known that said ex passed away two weeks prior. Here I am, being this horrible, objectified, STUBBORN person, wondering why I haven't gotten any communication, and all I had to do was reach out. Now, I'm feeling like I wasn't even there when I was needed...and that is something that is going to stay with me for the rest of my life...

I say that to say this...we all get hung up in our daily lives, but all it takes is a little reaching out to let someone know that you do care. Sure, text messages are cute and MySpace bulletins are even cuter, but, for those that don't have that type of "connection", call 'em up and let them know you love them...I know that sounds so cliche, but you never know when you will have that chance again...and if the other party were to die tonight, would they know you loved them (in whatever capacity)?

I'm out on that note...deuces...and thanks D.

Get Away...

Sooo....

I'm really wishing that I can just get up and go somewhere right this instant. No, really...RIGHT this instant.

There is just a lot of things going on right now that is causing me a little more stress than I really feel like dealing with right now. Over the course of my college years, I have learned not to be as confrontational as I was back in high school and grammar school. I have sheathed my sarcasm TREMENDOUSLY, even though I still sneak in some quips every now and then; yet, I'd rather my quips be barbs right about now...

I feel like three people (no names needed) are really taking advantage of my kindness right about now. I feel like people at work don't really see what really goes on in my department. I feel like some of my family just ain't being too family right about now...I feel like some of my supposed-to-be friends are being really shady right about now. I feel like my baby is just acting a little too grown for me...I feel like some of my boys got that b*tcha**ness that's been running rampant in our community lately...and I really feel like some of my ladies are acting QUITE unladylike...

I want to just go, pick up my baby, and just GO. Just GET. And just BE...

Away.

So, I really just recorded this video RIGHT NOW, and it's a song that I was working on a little time ago...like to hear it, here it go...



Now that is how I am feeling...

Out! Two fingaz...

Soul Train's Last Stop...

Soul Train Music Awards derailed

Fri Apr 18, 9:29 AM ET

LOS ANGELES (Reuters Life!) - It's the end of the line for the Soul Train Music Awards, which have largely been ignored by the African-American stars the event aims to honor.  A spokeswoman said the show would not go ahead with its 22nd annual installment this year, but a reason was not specified.

At last year's event in Pasadena, most of the winners did not show up, including such A-listers as Beyonce Knowles, Mary J. Blige, John Legend and Gnarls Barkley.

The show takes place a few weeks after the Grammys, the music industry's top awards. Similarly themed ceremonies like the BET Awards have also provided some competition.

Perhaps more critically, the underlying syndicated dance show "Soul Train" ended its historic run in 2006. It was distributed by Tribune Entertainment, which exited the syndication business when billionaire Sam Zell took its Tribune Co. parent private late last year in a highly leveraged deal.

The "Soul Train" TV show has served as an important promotional springboard for black music's biggest stars since launching in national syndication in 1971. It claimed to be the longest-running show airing in first-run syndication.

The franchise is the brainchild of Don Cornelius, an ambitious Chicago DJ who decided in the late '60s that there was a need for a TV show featuring young black people dancing to recorded music. Few shared his view, and he self-funded a pilot in 1969. It aired on a Chicago TV station the following year, and quickly became a hit.

Cornelius, famed for an expansive afro in his younger days, hosted the show for the first 22 years. But he has kept a low public profile and rarely consents to interviews. He tearfully accepted a Grammy Award for lifetime achievement in 2005.

(Reporting by Dean Goodman; Editing by Patricia Reaney)

What do I think?  I think it's a shame when our own artists can't even support such a driving force in the music business.  Honestly speaking, a Soul Train Award or a Lady of Soul Award held more power in the Black community than the BET Awards ever could hope to, yet stars are flocking to that mess.  You win a BET Award for being all up and through BET, but a Soul Train Award meant that your record played on Black radio and you had a spot on the Soul Train weekly series.  And yes, the Grammys hold a lot more clout in mainstream America, but surely, that is pretty much whitewashed.  Our OWN artists can't even support those groundbreaking shows that WE created, WE funded, and WE hosted.

I've always been a fan of the Soul Train weekly series, and I always figured that when they showed more and more reruns that the show was doomed.  For the last two seasons, they have shown "Best of" type shows, which I did enjoy for the nostalgia.  That gave me the chance to see performances by Minnie Riperton, The Emotions, James Ingram, Marvin Gaye, etc.  Granted, with the onset of competing shows, and declining interest, I would expect it to end...

However, the fact that mainstream America can pick up on the fact that OUR OWN stars can't attend our OWN events bothers me.  I remember there being this furor with MTV/Soul Train a few years back, with MTV saying that if stars performed on the Soul Train Awards, or its sister award show, The Lady of Soul Awards, that they could not perform on the MTV Video Music Awards.  What fresh hell is that?  I remember there being a big stink about that, where the NAACP got involved and Alicia Keys, Destiny's Child and others boycotting the VMAs.  Fast forward a few years and we don't even have a Soul Train Awards, a Lady of Soul Awards, a Christmas Starfest, or even the Soul Train weekly series??

Something is blatantly WRONG here...

Mark my words:  Showtime At the Apollo is next...

Lord, Help Me Understand...

Whattup...

Random relationship drama/thoughts...

You want to know when are we going to be a couple, officially? When I ask you via text message (I know, tacky), you say, "I want you to say it to me." When I call you on the phone, and say it then, you want me to say it in person. When I say it to you in person, you basically tell me that you don't trust me? And yes, you telling me you are insecure about my friends is letting me know that you don't trust me.

You want me to be patient with your "trust issues", but you feel the need to throw every bit of sarcasm in every part of conversation regarding my friends. Yes, I am at my friend's house, but NO, we are not screwing or frolicking around. Yes, I am hanging out with my brother, but NO, we are not gallivanting around the city of Jacksonville, looking for our next conquest. Yes, I am at work, but NO, that does not mean that I am watching every a** that comes through the door.

Well...I am an a** man...

What is it about me being totally upfront and honest about everything that does not get respected? I tell you about my friends that I hang with and how I know them and why I hang with them, the FEW close friends that I have. I have practically neglected even those closest to me just so I can get the chance to know you, and yet, YET, that goes unanswered. I told you about my exes and lack of sexual activity these past six months (BY CHOICE), and yet, I just MUST be effing with my friends.

Do you want me to treat you like the others have treated you? Do you want me to cheat on you like the others have? Do you want me to neglect you and ignore your calls like those before me? Do you really want me to forget to call, text, email, etc. like those other ones?

Or do you just want me to be the best me that I can be?

I'm just saying...!

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

Whattup!

It amazes me that some of the people closest in your life tend to put a value on your friendship/relationship. What is that about?

People tend to think that friendships should be valued by how much you have spent on them, what you have done for them, what you have done with them, etc. Why is there such a materialistic value placed on those closest to us?

I have a "friend"/co-worker who recently challenged my level of friendship to her. She called me and said that she had taken inventory of our friendship over the past two years and that she couldn't think of anything that I had done for her, while she has given so much to me. Mind you, this is after she practically cussed me OUT at work in front of a couple of co-workers, and they ever felt I didn't do anything that should have garnered that. I digress; she has given me so much and I haven't given her a thing.

Lest she forgets about all those phone calls where I provided a listening ear for her and an unbiased opinion. Lest she forget about all the times I ever offered to pay for something for her to which she seemed to get offended, except for the couple times that she allowed me to pay for her food at Panera Bread or The Cheesecake Factory. Lest she forgets that I was one of the FEW people who have had her back at work and defend her whenever anyone else talks MADD SH*T about her behind her back. Lest she forgets about the couple of times I walked around with her just to make sure that she was home safely versus walking the mean streets of Arlington by herself.

But no, since I haven't spent $4,000 on her, or bought her a Movado watch, or paid for her college tuition, or a tennis bracelet from Kay Jewelers, or bought anything of any real concrete value, I'm not a good enough friend.

Damn, with friends like this, who really needs enemies??

I'm out...

Phone Privileges...

Whattup??

Being the cellular phone junkie that I am, in the sense of using it, not needing the latest one, I can honestly say that I have over 400 phonebook entries in my phone. That said, I hate when someone says, in their most accusatory tone:

"Why you can't call nobody?" (or a variation of such)

Yes, I do call people (when my minutes are free, after 7pm local time, unless you have Sprint Nextel), but if you feel I haven't called you in a while, here's a thought:

CALL ME. LOL

I am the worst when it comes to calling people back. I can freely admit that. I am a procrastinator and always have the mindset to return voicemails, but typically when I remember, it's late at night when I know 90% of America is asleep. I put it off until the next day, IF I remember, and the cycle continues.

Even still, most people don't realize that I am not at home laying around in my underwear contemplating my next meal. If you call me and don't get me immediately, that may mean a multitude of things, such as not having a job that allows me to freely run my mouth while performing my job duties, or maybe I am sleep, maybe. That's the purpose of the voicemail. In this day and age of dropped calls, there ARE INDEED times when it can be ringing on your end but not ringing on mine. That's the purpose of the voicemail. Then, there are those inopportune times when I just don't want to answer the phone. That's the purpose of voicemail, to stave those particular instances and let me know, "Hey, I need to call so-and-so back." Given that I DO NOT check my missed call log, voicemail is my indication that someone has called me and ACTUALLY WANTS SOMETHING (wow, maybe that's another reason some people don't get calls back...). My logic is, if you didn't leave a voicemail, you most likely didn't want anything in the first place...so don't get mad at me when I don't call back. I don't want to hear your breathing, or you continually asking me "so what's up?" or anything of the sort.

Let it work to your advantage, not your disadvantage. LOL

Aiight, I'm out. Two fingaz!!

I'm A Perfectionist, and I Can't Help It...

What the dealio...??

I think the title of this blog is quite self-explanatory, but oh well...

I'd like to think that I am a well-educated individual, whose intelligence is not just specific to one genre. I don't know everything, but I have amassed a great deal of general knowledge over the years.

That said, I've noticed that I am probably one of the biggest perfectionists in the world. If I don't like something or may have said or done something wrong, I go way out of my way to make sure it is corrected in a timely fashion.

Those who know me know that I am a text FIEND. I can sit up for hours, texting all of my friends (and yes, I have unlimited text messaging in my plan). However, while I am texting, nine times out of ten, I have to make sure that I spell things correctly and use proper punctuation. Many of my family and friends will spell things wrong and not use proper punctuation to no end, to which I just laugh to myself. Is that mean? I know that texting is for short message purposes, so I don't mind it in the least when someone spells something wrong; so long as I know what they mean. LOL

Even when I am singing, I have the propensity to remember the exact key of the original artist's recording. I have found myself in many an argument with choir directors and musical instructors that their particular key is wrong, and I don't mind not having tact when doing so. I just have this pitch memory that I cannot get rid of, and when I find myself not being in proper pitch, I immediately stop and correct myself. People say that I have perfect pitch and can remember a particular arrangement like no other...that's just how I am, and I get upset when someone tells me that I am singing something wrong.

It's not a habit that I think is as bad as say, weed or alcohol, but just wanted to share that. So, if you see or hear me correcting someone or myself, it's just me working as usual. LOL

Two fingaz!

Here...

Finally...

After false starts on other sites and places, here is a spot where I think I am actually inclined to write and actually want to post something...yes!

Just an intro blog...I'll be back soon.

~J.