Goodbye...(Musicking Lisa)

I'm sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor as I type this (on my phone, no less), practically ignoring text messages and the like...

God has a way of bringing things to an end when you don't want to, but need to. I was thinking of a particular person who is trying to come back into my life, and I was dreading the decision to cancel them out. Reading my friend Corey's note about "cancelled programming" (Yes!!) was a good start...

Then, I'm half-listening to Lisa Fischer's So Intense album, half-pretending to clean my room, and I hear the last song on this CD. Mind you, I haven't ever really listened to the whole CD (I mean, it was released in the early 90s), but this particular song has been on repeat for the last three hours.

Last Goodbye
Lisa Fischer

I knew that this was coming
There'll be no looking back for me
I'm kind of glad it happened this way
There's not much more I can take

It's never easy when you have to bid a farewell
Right now I'm in a daze; I only hope I'll live to tell

Tears will dry; make room for new ones I will cry
Pain subsides; we'll both survive the last goodbye

I'll have to start from where I'm standing
There'll be no looking back for me
Understand that it's over and done
Love will take my memory

Soul doesn't grow with life
We must allow old wounds to heal
At least that's what I'm told
I only know the way I feel

Tears will dry; make room for new ones I will cry
Pain subsides; we'll both survive the last goodbye

It's never easy when you have to bid a farewell
Right now I'm in a daze; I only hope I'll live to tell

I know there's gonna be pain
But for some reason I'm not afraid
Because even the darkest night
Always leads to a brighter day

Tears will dry; make room for new ones I will cry
Pain subsides; we'll both survive the last goodbye.


Yep...def gonna mail this one out...or even email it.

10-28-08...Reflection...

Whattup peeps? I'm in my reflective mode...and this will be one of the most personal blogs I have ever written...

Today is October 28, 2008...as most everyone knows, my father passed away about three months ago (thirteen weeks to the day). Today, he would have been 49 years old.

I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that. I've never been extremely close to my father, but that stems from me not really accepting the fact that he did the best job he could. I looked around at my friends, and even some of my family, who still had both their mothers and fathers as a permanent part of their family. Yes, I was an envious child; seemed to me the best families had both parents at home.

To no discredit to either of my parents, I had always wished that they were both there...maybe I would have grown up a different person? Don't get me wrong...I LOVE the me that I am today. Strong-willed, independent, opinionated, sarcastic, and critically analytical person that I am, I have grown into myself. Yet, I often wondered how I would have turned out had my father and mother been married and raised our family together. I'd be a lot closer to my sister and maybe most of our family wouldn't be so disjointed...

My father did the best job he could...he and my mother weren't married, and I wrongfully blamed him fully. He and my mother were both in the navy, deployed at different times, stationed at different places, simply because he and she were not married. Growing up, I never fully understood that...but it made me a bitter child towards my father. I'd blame him for the slightest things...I never hated him, ever at all...just wished he was there.

As I got older, I noticed my way of thinking was quite biased and even jaded. Nevertheless, I always realized that he wished he were closer to me...and wanted the best out of our family possible. He always spoke highly of his children and his family, even though, most of the time, we were some of the most dysfunctional people you would ever see. We needed our own reality TV show! LOL. Nevertheless, he had a deep-rooted sense of family that, even after his death, still holds today. I still run into people, via email and in person, that tell me how often he spoke of me, his son, doing so much educationally and being a role model for him. Go figure! The son being a model for the father? Surely, I MUST do that honor some justice, for he was a role model for me...

Yes, I miss him...yes, I wish I could take back all those years of misguided envy and loathing. But, I thank God for his time here on Earth...because he has helped me grow in more ways than one...

I think sometimes that I could never be the man my father was...but, I don't think I want to be anymore. I want to be the best me that I can be, based on his life and his experiences. Yes, I look like him, hell, even close to his twin. LOL. But, I'm me...

And that's just what he has taught me to be.

Love ya pops...rest easy. Be of good work to the Lord...
William Bailey - October 28, 1959 - July 30, 2008

Opinionations...

Hey hey, whatcha say?

So, check it. I've been lurking around a bit, reading some blogs here and there, and I'm seeing a resounding theme...and it's a bit disturbing to me.

There seems to be an influx of people who are unwilling to accept one's opinion...and right within my own close network.

I'm friends with a multitude of people who have differing and similar opinions on various subjects. There are times when I have vehemently disagreed with someone's opinion and there are times when I have fully supported someone's decision. However, I have never superimposed my opinion on anyone, nor have I ever engaged in a mudslinging campaign to denounce someone's opinion as blatantly biased and subjective...

Yes, it's wrong for someone to engage in name-calling and childlike retorts because your viewpoint differs from that of another; but, it makes you NO BETTER when you judge someone and criticize them for having a differing point of view.

We are all grown, consenting adults, and we all have the mental tools to agree to disagree in our debates without resorting to insults and namebashing campaigns with others. That shows a vindictive, retaliatory spirit that can eat you from your core without you realizing it...

And it's not a good look for your intelligence.

That's just my $0.02, 2¢, whatever...

Old Folks...

Whattup peoples??

I had an interesting conversation at work with an older gentleman and his wife. From living in Chicago in the 1950s to working in the steel mills of Gary, IN, and from getting a high school diploma at age 25 to seeing Marian Anderson perform live in Carnegie Hall, we ran the gamut of topics and covered a lot of ground. We even had discussions of my goals and dreams.

As we all conversed, I noticed how times have really changed: the prices of gas; the advent of WalMart post Woolco and Woolworth, Benneton, and Zayre; cars costing only four figures instead of five, and so forth. Also, I learned a veryt valuable lesson...

Often, we as youth cast the older generation aside, as if they are just living in senility and visions of yestertear. But, we miss the fact that those same septa-, octa -, and nonagenarians have so much wisdom imparted in them because they have lived through so many different experiences and obstacles that we can only dream of. I learned more in twenty minutes speaking with this couple than I did watching twenty years of BET.

So, the next time one of my elders stop me to speak, I won't shrug them off in a desperate attempt to get away...I'm going to listen.

Just thinking...and remembering Woolworth's on 113th and Michigan...

Reality...

The other day, I was walking down the street with my cousin George, my father, and my brothers, Tre'Von and Brandon, headed towards the park just to play catch-up. It had been a LONG time since I had seen any of them and it was good to have them all in the same place, just talking and what not. It had been a while since I was back home in Chicago anyway, so we all decided to just hang out and chill with one another.

As we were walking, I noticed an old friend, Terrence White, that I hadn't seen since eighth grade. I told my family that I would catch up with them, and that I had to go say wassup to Terrence, seeing how I hadn't seen him in 13 years. I ran into a store, following him. Upon entry, I noticed that he was nowhere to be found. I looked, looked, and looked again, to no avail. Where in the world did he go?

Finally, I heard some voices coming from above; instinct told me to look up. At the top of some stairs, there he was, coming down. "Oh my God, it's Terrence White!" I said to him, which elicited a smile from him. "Wow, Jamaal Bivens, the smartest dude in Higgins," he said. We shook hands, hugged, and grinned at each other. What seemed like an eternity passed as he and I played catch-up, updating each other on the goings-on in our lives. Then, I realized that my family just might be looking for me, so we exchanged numbers, and I promised to call him when I returned to Jacksonville.

After walking for a bit, I finally caught up with my family, as they were nearing the park. My youngest brother, Tre'Von, had the silliest idea that he could pick me up. "Jamaal, I can, watch!" he said as he proceeded to bear-hug my thighs and attempt to hoist me in the air. I laughed at his determination; my younger brother, Brandon, laughed as well. Brandon then told Tre'Von, "This is how you do it." As he attempted, I told him, "Now you know you are 'Skinny Minny', so there is no way you are picking me up." Of course, he couldn't. I glanced at my cousin, who looked back at me and said, "Now you know I ain't even trying."

My father laughed at each of them. "Come here Jamaal, you know I can get you," he said to me with his trademark sheepish grin. I leered at him. "Dad, you know I am taller than you. How do you profess to pick me up?" Now, knowing that I'm 6'4" and about 220 pounds, that's no easy feat. But, my father picked me up, and even told me to sit on his shoulders, and I happily obliged. I'm sure to anyone walking or driving by that this had to be an awkward sight; a huge, giant of a man sitting on another man's shoulders. But, to me, it reminded me of a childhood that I wish I had; growing up with my father. I laughed and grinned and cheered like the youngest 26 year old ever. I was a kid again!

We stayed in the park for about an hour or so, catching up, singing, and laughing. Suddenly my father said, "Hey, how about we go to your grandmother's house so she can cook you something?" He and I laughed really hard at that notion, because we couldn't immediately think of the last time Grandma Ora actually cooked something. As we started to walk, I looked around and then it hit me. "Dad, we aren't going to walk all the way to Grandma's house, are we?" He laughed and said, "Boy, now I know you think I am the peak of fitness, but if we started walking now, I'm sure we'd get there by next week." I laughed at him and then felt kind of silly, realizing how far she really lived. And then it hit me...

"Dad, we can't go to Grandma's house." He stopped walking and looked really puzzled, thought a bit, and then looked at me quizzically and asked, "Why not?" I looked down at my feet, not really wanting to admit it out loud, but seeing the reality of the situation. "Because she died last year."

He looked at me, somber at first, and then perked up and said, "No, that was just a dream." I looked at him, trying to understand fully what he just said. I know for a fact I was there at Grandma's funeral; I couldn't've dreamt that. I looked around and suddenly, I didn't know where I was. Even though I hadn't been in Chicago in a little while, somehow, we were no longer in my neighborhood, or even close proximity. It almost reminded me a little of...Central Park?

"No, wait...none of this is right...this is all wrong," I said, unknowingly, out loud. My father looked at me as if I was crazy, and asked "What's wrong?"

"All of this," I said. "You, Grandma, Brandon, George...this isn't right." The levees had broken and I could feel the heat as each tear flowed down my face...

And I woke up. I looked at the clock, and it was 4:28am. I looked around, and I was in my room in Jacksonville, in moonlit darkness. And I cried myself back to sleep.

RIP: Cousin George (1983-2005), Grandma Ora (1934-2007) and Dad (1959-2008)

Self-Image = Self-Worth...

"Image is everything"...

Is that really the truth? If it is, then some people don't have a thing...

I'm noticing that imagery is the big thing these days. You have males aspiring to look like Lil' Wayne (who, to me, is the epitome of unattractive) and woman aspiring to be pencil-thin to try to grace the covers of those has-been magazines. What is really going on?

I cannot fathom why anyone would want to dress a certain way to attempt to be appealing, much less one who wears things that others have picked out for them. However, clearly if you look good, others will notice and take heed, and actually deem you worth some company versus a good joke.

So, I say all that say that there should be some sense of guidelines as to what to wear in public to avoid getting cussed out or talked about, but to have people actually laughing with you and not AT you...

Ladies first:

Wear something that fits...if you know you are a big girl, you should not be prancing around in anything that people can count your rolls in your stomach. It's okay to ear that bigger shirt. Some men will actually find it a lot more appealing if you actually wear something that embraces your big girl flair, not overexposing it. Be classy with it and leave that fishnet shirt on the rack. Conversely, if you are a skinny girl, you can't ear anything tight either. Grab you something that will cover your self, but not a kimono or a mu-mu. A nice sundress will do the trick and actually give you the chance to exude sexiness versus skinniness.

Ladies, care about your hair. It is cool to want to be natural, but make sure you control it. There shouldn't be ANY living or formerly living insect or animal in your hair, ever. Wash it routinely to avoid any type of debris. There is nothing wrong with a wig or weave; however, make sure it fits you and suits you. If you have brown hair, you should NOT be walking around with a black ponytail. That's not classy at all. Short haircuts need special and extra attention. If your hair is not naturally glow-in-the-dark, we need not let you put bright pink streaks inside of it. And trust me, everyone can NOT wear those one-sided asymmetrical hairstyles. It's NOT for everyone.

Men, you are NOT off the hook...

Fellas, it's okay to try to look your best before walking out the door. Mainstream American women will not appreciate you walking around in a dingy tank top and your underwear outside of your pants/jeans. One thing gets me of late is the affinity for tank tops/wifebeaters. Dudes, those ARE NOT for everyone!! If you are 6'2" and 100lbs, you NEED NOT be in public with a wifebeater on. It does not make you look any more buff than a simple t-shirt would...it just makes you look, well, skinny. And if your shirt size is naturally a small or medium, wear that instead of a 3x. A t-shirt or graphic tee should not be swallowing you whole. For my big dudes, you can't wear a wifebeater either; it makes you look like a wifebeater. It's okay to throw on a t-shirt that you can breathe in, not one that swallows you either. It is just going to make you look a lot bigger if you have on a 5x shirt when you only need a 3x.

Dudes, pull your pants up. Let's not be stereotyped just because we want to wear our pants low (If you MUST wear your pants low, at least wear clean underwear underneath). You don't have to put on jeans that look like skinny jeans, but at least have them on your waist with a belt on. That's so much more attractive to mainstream folks than showing off your Joe Boxers. And if I see one more a**crack, I promise I am either going to pour some hot water down it or kick it...


We just have to be realistic with the way we look in public. It's okay to wear whatever you want to wear in the comfort of your own home, but in public, even your own friends won't be very honest with you. It's up to you to look your best...

I learned this motto back in high school when I was in the modeling troupe, "Moving With A Purpose". Our advisor/mentor would always say "if you look better, you'll feel better, and you'll do better too..."

Amen.

I'm out. Deuces, skitches!!!

Connection...

Yep, it's me...

So, a dear friend of mine emailed me tonight, and we had the smallest of conversations, but it seemed like a LOT was said. You never know how much you miss someone or even someone misses you until they are gone...

You see, it has been a trying month for me. This friend of mine, D., and I hadn't really spoken in a while, but the couple of emails we shared tonight was enough to let me know that the connection was still there...he showed me that we hadn't spoken in a while, but when we did speak, the connection was there, and it was missed.

That's the importance of the word...connection. A connection is VITAL in any relationship, friendship, acquaintanceship, etc. If there is no connection, what is keeping that particular relationship afloat??

Just this past Friday, I found out that an ex of mine passed away of kidney failure. Now, this event made me reflect a lot more on the connectivity of that relationship/friendship. In the three or so weeks prior to Friday, I was miffed at the fact that I didn't get a phone call, I didn't get a text, an email, nothing...when all I had to do was CALL, TEXT, or EMAIL my damn self, and I would have known that said ex passed away two weeks prior. Here I am, being this horrible, objectified, STUBBORN person, wondering why I haven't gotten any communication, and all I had to do was reach out. Now, I'm feeling like I wasn't even there when I was needed...and that is something that is going to stay with me for the rest of my life...

I say that to say this...we all get hung up in our daily lives, but all it takes is a little reaching out to let someone know that you do care. Sure, text messages are cute and MySpace bulletins are even cuter, but, for those that don't have that type of "connection", call 'em up and let them know you love them...I know that sounds so cliche, but you never know when you will have that chance again...and if the other party were to die tonight, would they know you loved them (in whatever capacity)?

I'm out on that note...deuces...and thanks D.